None of these roles can stand alone, they are dependent on a relational dynamic. So you have probably played all of these roles at some point or another. We all experience villains in various forms. Maybe it’s a co-worker, an ex-lover, a boss, or a political leader that makes life miserable for us. Be grateful because “bad guy” or antagonist always pushes the plot forward. This is true in our personal and collective narrative. The villain allows the hero within us to overcome being the victim.
Ever since we first understood words and heard our first stories, these characters were with us. We identify with them, we aspire to be like them or struggle to avoid becoming them. We usually end up playing all the roles in our own lives and in other people’s stories. The ability to witness these character roles playing out without becoming over-identified is a core teaching in many spiritual traditions. We are in the story but not of the story. We can be trapped in a role or liberated by it. The ability to witness without attachment, is best tool we have to navigate the drama of life.
Knight in Shining Armor or Damsel in Distress?
For gender-liberated thinkers this does not need to be limiting at all. There are plenty of male damsels in distress and female knights in shining armor despite the traditional faerie tale format. In time, and over different life circumstances we may experience playing each side of this dynamic. This develops our personality and character while also hopefully giving us increased empathy for self and other.
Have you ever had someone help you out in a tough situation who later try to control your life? Or maybe you have helped someone when they were down only to have them abandon you later when they got back on their feet? Sometimes the knight in shining armor or damsel in distress can become a villain in the blink of an eye. This happens when unconscious expectations aren’t met or secret motives are revealed.
We can transform from hero to villain in another person’s eyes very quickly. Along with this character change comes all sorts of powerful lessons and emotions. That’s why a little humor and some wisdom of the trickster archetype can be both humbling and liberating.
Being a knight in shining armor is an ego trap. It implies that someone needs to be the damsel in distress in order for you to be the knight in shining armor. If you are attached to being the knight in shining armor you will need your partner/friend to remain helpless. There is a natural balance/tension between opposing/complementary roles that is healthy. So long as people are conscious and able to shift roles a struggle can become a dance. Otherwise it can become very toxic and stunt growth.
Manufactured Crisis
The term describes itself to perfection but can go unnoticed for a lifetime unless someone points it out to you. What better way to elevate ourselves to hero-status than by creating a big mess to resolve for ourselves and others. I think we’ve all been there and probably witnessed our friends there as well. The difference between being stuck in a behavior pattern and having the flexibility to free yourself is simply awareness. To acknowledge that you are the source of many of your problems empowers you to also be the hero that liberates you.
A Personal Story
Manufactured crisis can be a good thing if you use it carefully. Once I collaborated on a children’s fantasy story with a prolific artist named Bret Blevins. We agreed that time and pressure should have no place in our creative process. Both of us had worked on projects with deadlines which was stressful. So decided that we didn’t want that kind of stress to be part of this project. Our project, our way, true freedom!
We dreamed without bounds creating problems for the characters and thickening the plot. Then we creatively solved the problems as we worked. Time began to drag out as we let ourselves get distracted with other projects. Weeks, months and then a whole year passed.
Bret called me one day sayiing, “Jacob I hate to admit it but I can’t finish this project unless we make a deadline. If we don’t put the metaphorical gun to our head, we will never finish this.”
I had to agree, recognizing that the stress from the deadlines I despised was also the motivating factor that pushed me to complete what I started.
In this case the deadline became a useful villain. Without it there was nothing to push the storyline forward. Now we were racing against the clock. In no time we were able to finish the project.
How often do we attract individuals or situations as villains in our lives? Do heroes need villains? The whole script is flipped when we become conscious of what we attract and create.
Being the Victim
This can be a very difficult subject because victims require villains even more than heroes. There are tragic crimes like rape, abuse, and this is in no way to suggest ‘blaming the victim.’ Understanding our role in life situations is a way to transcend all forms of blame, including self-blame. Sometimes randomly being in the wrong place at the wrong time can make any strong, confident individual become a victim. After the trauma of painful experiences it is easy to get caught in the perpetuating emotional cycles of victim consciousness.
For anyone who has had to undergo the process of healing trauma, it is very difficult. Oftentimes the pain is so great that we choose escapism or numbness instead of mindful presence. In these cases good friends, a strong community, and professional help become the most valuable resources.
At some point in the healing journey, self-awareness allows us to see beyond being the victim. We begin to witness our painful memory almost as if from an outside perspective. This is where self-compassion is born and the hero within awakens.
Consider a poor person in India — born into poverty and raised on the streets — who becomes a wise sadhu. What makes this individual different than someone who can’t pull their life together? Their internal belief system and quality of self-awareness are what distinguishes them. Each of us has the ability to take on a role but then let it go when it no longer serves us.
These examples illustrate the power of finding the ability to witness, with compassion, the roles we play as we go through life. Being in the victim role is perhaps one of the most sensitive and difficult mindsets to overcome. It requires enormous strength from within. It requires being simultaneously present with one’s wounds while also finding the ability to distance ourselves so that we don’t over-identify.
My Own Worst Enemy
We all know that we can be our own worst enemy. Oftentimes we combine manufactured crises with ego needs to be a hero. Or we indulge wounds that keep us stuck as victims. Self-sabotage is manufactured crisis gone awry. It is always easier to notice this in others. However, we must have the courage to hold the mirror up to ourselves on occasion. It is always easier to blame the external world or find demons to project our hurt onto. We unconsciously create toxic situations that make our internal pain feel less overwhelming. When distracting ourselves with delusions, or rationalizations, or compulsions, we can easily fall into the blame-shame-denial cycle.
Parable of the Weaver
Grandmother Spider is central in many Native American myths. She is a powerful character because she weaves a web that allows her to sit and wait for food. Folktales say that she created the whole world and wove it with stories. We live these stories and play the characters in these tales.
Just like the spider’s web, we can become tangled like the fly. Or we can know which threads to walk without getting caught up. These threads are called story lines as each of us have our own unique path to walk in the web of life. We weave these stories from deep within our psyche. Possibly they are rooted in our ancestry, our youth, our beliefs, or even our dreams. We must always remember that these are just stories and we have the power to change them.
Exercises for Increasing Self-Awareness of the Roles We Play
We will play many roles in our lives, and in the lives of others around us during our lifetime. Having a journal is a very powerful way to give yourself the opportunity to author your own story. Words are spells, thus we have ‘spelling’ and we can sentence ourselves to all sorts of limiting or liberating stories. With a journal the pen in your hand. It lets you be the author witness what comes out of you when nobody is looking.
Ask these questions and consider all the times you have played these roles. What feelings were similar and different each time you played them?
- When have I been the hero in somebody else’s story?
- When have I been the hero in my own story?
- When have I been the villain in somebody else’s story?
- When have I been the villain to my own self?
- When have I been the victim?
- How did I recognize I was the victim and lift myself out of that situation?
As Above, So Below
All over the world, we have many perceived villains and heroes on the stage. From politicians to artists, activists to exploiters. Somehow each feels justified in their role. Somebody you call a villain may consider themselves a hero. All of these stories are playing out within and around us. Our place of great power starts within.
When we change our story we change the way we see the world. We also change our place in the story. When we change the way we see people we change the way we engage with them. This causes them to shift also. We treat people differently based on the role we have given them in our story. There are many ways to diffuse the polarity.
We need villains sometimes to push the plot along or to help us rise to hero-status. But we don’t need to be attached to these roles. Go ahead and be a hero! Just be careful not over-identify or become dependent on victims in order to feel strong. Watch this dynamic play out in the political/partisan game. Each side thinks they are the victim and the other side is the villain! The true hero would be someone who lifts up both sides…
We are all victims in some way. For this everyone can stand to evolve their capacity for empathy and compassion. The changes that are happening in our world are a reflection of what is happening within us. Play with these roles and the ways that you feed these dynamics and you will see how easily they shift!
